just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
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