it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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