sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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