Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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