i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
