Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize