I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
