Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
