adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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