Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
