new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
