Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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