It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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