I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
it's great music for shaving your balls
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
