remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
