I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
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