he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Randomize
