She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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