if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
