update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
