God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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