I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
You know, be my cock's hype man.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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