He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
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