you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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