i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
