wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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