I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
