no, he came in my armpit
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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