no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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