I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
