I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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