I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
