OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Swine flu is the new snow day.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
