I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
