I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
