Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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