I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
