I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
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