I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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