In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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