look no pants
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
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