You don't have asthma, your pregnant
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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