Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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