I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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