There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Randomize
