i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
