Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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