I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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