just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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