I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
