I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
