So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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