It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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