no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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