I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
