so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
