I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
