I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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