I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
