Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
