when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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