You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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