the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
